the climb

I decided the other day to stop giving a fuck about this whole cancer frustration process. It’s gonna happen how it’s gonna happen, I’m gonna trust in the universe, and the suffering is all part of the process to get to the other side.

Suffering doesn’t mean I have to feel angry or sad or batshit crazy all the time. Suffering is just part of the fight I am willing to fight, but I am no longer giving a fuck about the how. The pain that accompanies the fight ain’t gonna dictate my every thought and action.

Coincidentally, a couple days after I decided to stop giving a fuck about the parts of this I cannot control, I pulled a book off my shelf that I had bought a couple years back but hadn’t yet found the time to read: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. I had already decided to stop giving a fuck…and then somehow there it was, screaming at me to read it.

I’m only two chapters in, and I don’t want to put it down. Not giving a fuck truly is an art, and it is an artform I want to continually practice. Here are a couple of my most poignant takeaways thus far:

  1. Whether you realize it or not, you are always choosing what to give a fuck about. I give a fuck about the fact that I have cancer, but losing myself in negative emotions about how the process is going isn’t providing me any positive results...that is not worth giving a fuck about.

2. The belief that it’s not okay to be inadequate sometimes produces a continuous mental feedback loop from hell. I’m going to have good days and bad days; mostly good I have decided. Shaming and blaming myself for having bad days only serves to keep me in a constant loop of negativity…feel down, shame myself for feeling down, feel worse, shame myself more…you get the picture. We’re all inadequate sometimes, cancer or not, because sometimes life is just hard…and that’s okay.

In the words of Miley Cyrus:

There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

It’s the climb.

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