let’s just kiss & say goodbye
I have started and stopped this post a hundred times in the six weeks it has been since surgery. Actually I’ve only had the strength to try writing it twice I think, and both times I ended up in a river of my own tears and without the words I’ve been searching for. I may…
turtles & ducks
It’s Tuesday and I’m sitting on a concrete bench in front of a little lake occupied by turtles and ducks. The turtles are harder to spot, but having grown up in the land of 10,000 lakes, I’ve had plenty of practice catching their little heads pop up for air while their bodies stay submerged under…
the climb
I decided the other day to stop giving a fuck about this whole cancer frustration process. It’s gonna happen how it’s gonna happen, I’m gonna trust in the universe, and the suffering is all part of the process to get to the other side. Suffering doesn’t mean I have to feel angry or sad or…
cancer you can’t see
I have cancer that is not visible. It’s there and growing, and it seems to be no medical priority to anyone on my “care team”. At this point, almost 10 weeks since the tumors were discovered, it is old news deeply buried in the editor’s pile of things that aren’t really considered pressworthy; at least…
ebb & flow
I’m learning that this whole cancer experience, much like life, is just a cycle of ebbing and flowing. Any expression of what I am feeling or thinking, at any given moment, is just fine. And I need to stop thinking that I’ve finally mastered my emotions…there will be good days and there will be bad…
moth balls
Do you ever feel like you just keep becoming more crazy by the day, and you can neither find the pause, nor stop, nor eject button? That’s a pretty clear description of how I feel right now, and it may not say much at all, or it may give a clue that I am trying…
unfold
In case you never noticed, the path you never chose has chosen you ~ Jason Mraz I wish I wasn’t so damn conflicted about everything in my life right now. I don’t even know if conflicted is the right word or feeling. These are probably thoughts that need to just be buried inside some private…
nesting
It’s like getting ready to have a baby. Everything about the experience is unknown until it isn’t, so you spend your minutes, hours, and days just preparing for who even knows what…you just know there’s gonna be something new coming into your life, and you trust that you’ll figure it out. In the meantime though,…
life 1; cancer 0
I have a couple of things to share that all contribute to today feeling like a normal day. But first I’ll point out the obvious that it is 5:01 am in my timezone and I have not yet been to sleep. This leads me to believe that what I have read about cancer and insomnia…
i think i’m scared
I don’t know what day it is. Seems easier now to gauge time in terms of how many days it has been since I had which appointment or received which diagnosis. And since it has now been two days since I started trying to write this, my only way of capturing time currently is by…
boobs on ice, or something like that
I’m a day or two shy, give or take, of finding out what all this weirdness is going to mean. It’s been a struggle to get my words on both paper and screen this time around…I think the thoughts hit too close to the heart so I’m almost afraid to think or feel them, let…
day 3.5
So, I initially entitled this post “day 9.5”. Then I counted back, and reality was, umm, 3. Not even 3.5…just 3. Period. I had to erase and correct, which means I had to also take ownership of some shit that’s been playing pinball inside my head.. like getting ahead of myself by 2/3rds or whatever…
a new day
So it seems I have cancer. Suspiciousness enough weirdness on the annual mammogram to warrant every diagnostic tool and test possible. Rapidly scheduled follow up diagnostics and technicians who leave the room mid-imaging for periods of time that seem like eternity. No small talk. No chit chat. Just the facts, ma’am, and quite frankly the…
sun-day
At the beach freezing my ass off but husband needs the ocean. So do I, it turns out, but he is better at making it a priority than I am. Regardless, I am still freezing. And I also love being here. Use towel as blanket and take it all in. He pulls up “Old Country”…
letter to a friend
I heard the struggle in your voice today and I can’t stop feeling your pain and wishing I could carry it for you. I heard you doubt everything about yourself and I wanted nothing more than to wrap you in my arms and hold you close; whispering sweet nothings that are everything amazing about you,…
brave new world
What a strange experience this covid thing has been. Strangely foreign; strangely beautiful. A paradox of existence. I began the pandemic wanting to strangle everyone I was sheltered-in-place with. I had mini- verging on mega-meltdowns trying to navigate the new landscape that lacked the daily peace and quiet I was used to, and likely some…
embracing vulnerability
My son got his license the other day and that next step of independence has hit me. Hard. It got me all thinking about life on a deeper level and being all sentimental and goopy and it just so happens that fate has gifted me an empty house, for the first time since March, so…
be still and listen
I’ve been spending my recent quarantine time listening to others speak to me through podcasts, interviews, lectures, classes and TED Talks. I had forgotten how much my mind loves to be fed and watered and grown. I had lost sight of how much nourishment is out there to feed my soul if I simply be…
pandemic reflections
Day who-knows-what of quarantine and I am finally starting to love and semi-understand the me I have struggled to embrace throughout this pandemic. I spent the first fifty-or-so days feeling completely lost. Immobilized. I couldn’t do anything except sit and shame myself for doing nothing. And then I felt like shit about that. And then…
checkmate
Pain and stoicism; loneliness and longing. This is how I describe you. Within these walls of “comfort” you built was ever there an eye to see and know you, a heart to understand all you felt and feared? The deepest parts of you threaten to burrow into the healed crevices of me and I ache…
stupid is as stupid does
It’s hard to believe that eight years have passed since I have been in this house instead of that one; this life instead of that one. These responsibilities in addition to those. Surreal, really. There is no super to call when the toilets overflow or the fridge leaks, but if you have known me for…
nobody likes a bitch
She views things much differently than I do is what I said. I thought little of my statement in the moment. And then my analyzer kicked in, hours later perhaps, and I realized the ubiquitous difference between what I uttered and what I actually believed. And then I knew I had to write it out.…
#nonbinary #parenting #love
My child identifies as non-binary. I don’t know how long they have identified this way, but they told me about seven months ago. Sometimes they correct me when I use she, and sometimes they don’t, and sometimes I catch myself mid sh and switch to they. Luckily for me as a parent, my child is…
if
If you’d just practiced more You would have been better If you’d just played better He would have noticed you If you’d have simply lost ten pounds He might have acknowledged you If you’d have known there were requirements to his love that made sense, You might have: Loved yourself more… Never questioned your worth……
how do you spell WEDNESDAY?
My daughter decided today that she wants to have a party, at our house, next Wednesday. For her whole class. That meant, of course, that she had to start making invitations this morning when she was really supposed to be preparing herself to be school bound. There are plenty of little tidbits to talk about here, aside from…
out-smarting the conveyor belt
I used to think life held some great destination that I was going to arrive at one day and have it all figured out. I had a mental list of things that needed to be checked off and then somehow I was going to stop growing. Because I had gotten there. Or something weird like that. I don’t…
love > markers
O lover of sweet treats and markers; I am a lover of you. Even with your guilty face and conniving ways my heart is sold to “and when I get back in here let me see all the colors laid out and ready for me” and “when I put this broom away I will take…
melting into me
Does too much to say make the saying harder to come by? Have you consigned your will to create with the words that entice you or are they challenging you to do more and better, forcing you to feel deeper and stronger? You don’t know how to write yourself out of what you have fallen…
lotta sorta kinda
Lot of tiredLot of 2nd grade crying followed byLot of lecturing on when crying is and is not effective and acknowledgedWith examples…Lot of great homeworkLot of togethernessLot of flag football lovin’Little of mom actually playing footballLot of praise on my skills (throwing not catching, just to be clear he says)Lot of screams from the pig…
outside in
You, my child.You are before me with eyes wide open and I search myself for what it means to raise you. Love over contempt, action over apathy, acceptance over fear. We teach by example, you and I; learning through each day we are allowed another opportunity.I and you – anger and retract, push and apologize, cry…
we
it is me. most definitely, me. who is confusing, even to, myself. still, you have desire. of. none. for me… not the me, of now, for she – in all of her she-ness… is a trigger. that. ignites within… you (she hates that). we have taken the worst, of us… to display in all ways,…
ily, mm
I saw your beautiful being tonight through tears. Tears that I had two years ago. Tears that were easier to define tonight, though. They were tears of joy and amazement at you…a young woman now; no longer a child…and they streamed from my eyes the moment I set eyes on your eyes. You see, you…
mentor me tomorrow or always
I have been remiss in my writing. I have no excuse other than one that is fabulous: I have too many passions. I am and have been trying my gosh-darndest to devote equal love to each on a daily basis but I am, as I have always been, a work in progress. I could spend…
taxi cab from monterey
i want to tic with kerouac in the shiveringest of places. mind does not matter if mind is over matter. that place. i see him. i feel me there. i sense him beside me; red wine exhales and musty clothing. he is my breath, my thoughts, my words. i understand; no explanation extended. i just…
selfie
arms grasping at time- soundtracks; roadmaps; endless photographs scribbling frenzies to fill pages with- hold this moment; love intensely; let it go
cranberries
pain in the deepest blue-gray swell of ocean crashing on cliffs and exploding in my head. beg to leave, go, settle into calm, peaceful sky but no. medicate without true placation i breathe in and breathe out mindful of each ocurence as it needles and gnaws, clawing at each part of my body wearing me…
crash
Saturday morning. Sunrise. White froth thrown from cliff-crashing waves dances before me, as if to say ‘Good Morning’. Sun threatens to pierce through the morning clouds – her hue sure to influence the direction of my thoughts. I am the grand crash splashing myself about the rocks; the uneven yet consistent tide; the fluid combination…
headbutt
i need you to know… my love is there. i push, because- i want you to grow, into your best you. my strength – your strength – same eyes, same legs, same heart – butt heads; push and pull, and i know… it’s hard to carry your load, and it’s hard to carry my load,…
interior monologue
Art in various forms. Warm rosemary bread and coffee; Vanilla Nut. Drumsticks and earphones. Dirty socks on the floor. Stuffed Animals. Beach artifacts. Fresh herbs and scented candles of the real-wick type. A swinging chair in which to sit and ponder life. Palm trees and brightly colored, freshly planted flowers. Painted Terra Cotta pots of…
faith
He needed the $60 cash I had in my wallet, so he could get a hotel room for his wife and toddler-aged daughter. Her name is Faith, he said. Wounded war vet with no help from the VA; struggling to survive day-by-day, he said. His name was Johnny. I don’t remember his wife’s name, but…
scars and all
Various shades of purple adorn my arms; legs; hands. Various stages of physical healing represent stages of healing in my mind. Some of my wounds are so raw they ache; others are mere reminders of obstacles I have overcome. Sometimes I scratch so hard it soothes me into temporary comfort. Sometimes I don’t know whether…
phoenix
from the ashes of her deconstructed being, she learns to take hesitant breaths. from the fears that left her knowing nothing of herself, she sees glimmers of enlightenment and love for her soul, and lightness in her dark. sate amid her famine tears with a purpose, she knows, but is still to weary to define.…
she knows
She lives this but doesn’t know it. Her writing flows through her in beautifully scripted eloquent sentences and her words pierce me as she looks on in amazement. She tells a story as if she were living a moment and that is where the sweet spot of beauty is found. Words; hers, mine – they…
muse
Rays of sunshine through fronds of palm. I cannot give due diligence to the prattling thoughts – the ones that aren’t even truly known to me until they make their way onto the pages I write to find me. You taught me the gift of the written word back when we were all sleeping on waterbeds and…
letter to my children
I just saw my life flash before me. It is through the imagining of my last days that I try and decipher what I most want to share with you. You can’t leave it all behind with no warning; you can’t even begin to try. I find myself wanting to impart life lessons as equally…
my .07
words angst words please words will words piano words pencil words story words my words freeing words leave my mind words run words run words piano run stay play SPEAK leave me black white graphite speak free speak proud speak strong words song run more run more soar go write play speak your way own…
waiting to exhale
You get what you have been waiting for and suddenly you’re in some foreign land you didn’t know you had plans to visit. You’ve been holding your breath so long that you don’t remember how to breathe. Do you hold your breath and then scream, or do you exhale as you’re trembling and try to…
seven heaven
Take my arms and Take my heart and I’m so lost in you I don’t mean to Love this way but It’s the little Things you do The beauty in your smile The persistence in your try The sparkles in your hair And the glory that you Carry with you If I could I’d make…
click and send
My biggest regret is that I did not apologize the moment I knew my words hurt you. That I did not immediately recant…and tell you that none of what I retaliated with mattered, because I cared not about being right…I cared about you. But I let that be the end. Click and send. We had…
my world in words
Today I feel pressured because I am short on time and long on tired. Brain-drained from my day I try desperately to float into my creative space and will something to happen. Well not just something, but something worthy of my time. And yours. Reflective. Chasing shadows – of memories – of evenings – when…
paper bridges
I don’t know whether you know this- But you did not have to strip our dignity from us. I don’t know whether you know this- But you are capable of so much more. I don’t know whether you know this- But we gave you our hearts, souls, and families… Time which cannot be returned. I…
prideless lion
Embarassment kept me from kissing you Pride kept me from admitting my Embarassment Shame stifled my Pride until, suddenly, i was Nobody
the house of emil white
Big Sur trees and seemingly angry ocean waves. Kerouac in a cabin trying desperately to save his life. The air exudes literature and the struggle that is writing – (and living) – at least for me it does. My mind is full of wonderings about those who wrote me here with their words and made…
the day after
she shines humbly, glistening with hope and beauty her faults scream at her and she buries herself in his warmth ashamed, that life has intruded upon her soul still, she falls ever deeper into him
undated
Circle encircling me. Protection? Safety ribbons flowing and clutching, offering the promise of a life other than this. Different. The picture flashes before me but never clear. Actuality and surety elude. Days, weeks, months pass by. No difference. Arms encircle and hold me tight. Encircle and flow with love around and through each part of…
cocoon
in bed alone, yet he, too, is there, but not there… blankets securely fastened about, and around… him, no possibility of skin touching skin touching skin… i know my place, and tonight… it is lonely
weak
Lonely tonight finds my arms figuratively reaching out to touch you, yet I know that is not fair. It is only in my weakest moments that I reach for you, and only because the burden of holding myself up alone is temporarily too much to bear. The breaking down of me is always temporary, though.…
more than
Tears well up and will their salty selves to fall from my eyes as I fight to hold them back. Insecurity washes over me, and I mourn me as the corners of my eyes pull and sting with pain. Sadness consumes my being. Tears beg now to crash and fall hard and fully. Wash me…
reel
If I wrote you in words I would attempt to syntactify what we did in those sacred moments when we stole together and how it felt to be encased in your arms. I would remember the day on Ray when you walked through my door in baseball cap that I jarred when I ran to…
swingasan
Lost stars we are…weaving to and fro through our transitional realities. I sit and mildly swing, sipping on white wine and contemplating me. I do not forsake myself. I do not judge my desire to simply sit and just be. My favorite day of the week is my first day alone.
love as a verb
It’s my finger tracing your eyebrow or my hand upon your chest – lingering as long as it can in a caress that won’t wake you. It’s a touch that calms and a kiss that conquers. It’s an uncomfortable distance I allow to keep you safely breathing – the nights alone and the tears that…
and i
today i saw the world through your eyes and i felt the joy in being you and i laced my fingers into yours and i breathed your air and i grew in my heart
newport & nothing
Free-write to stimulate. We are struggling – the both of us. I laugh as we try, desperatlely, to recreate the temptress of words. Fruitless we are in this dingy beach ‘paradise’ god forsaken excuse of a retreat for the writers within us. Not without Big Sur. Not without Jack and Henry. Not upon this balcony…
finding my way home
I felt myself traveling away from me in those moments and days I let me fall into you. You holding me up in your way held me captive as I experienced what had never before been a gift to me. If I could have found a way to exist solely in those moments I might have…
sea of me
the tide is beautiful today utterly serene, and perfect crash in, and roll out, and not at all unlike my own thoughts sounding ferocious, but not… not today i imagine myself into a movie of crashing waves, and wild seas, and you… sipping from the fresh-water creek, and smiling at me
she
she, who packages her face and body and eye gaze neatly within the confines of self there, nothing and nobody can penetrate her in her ultimate safety wary, her downward gaze tells me, of getting attached again; unsure of the longevity of it all she doesn’t like loud voices or suitcases or tears Pain is…
hey, is that you?
Rays of sunshine are angling their presence through fronds of palm and dancing on my cheeks. Warmed. I don’t enjoy when the dance becomes too intense though. The heat turns my focus to feelings of discomfort and away from the real thoughts prattling around in my head – the ones that aren’t even truly known…
dear jack, et al
vanilla nut warmth and contemplation tentacles searching to answer me that which is my contemplation lost in the words of great writers the contemplative state of mind begs answers that elude and allow me to think upon the very act of thinking i am my sea and ocean my waves of knowing and unknowing wash…
reflections on the hill i was late to climb over
I did not…I wasn’t even fucking close to…getting this one right away, this 50-thing…just as I did not get 40…or 30, or likely any decade before the afore mentioned decades. I had great aspirations and goals for the turning of each; only to find that where I found myself at the changing-of-the-calendar-guard was not, in…
girls on the #wdw circuit
three concerts three cities seven days twenty car rides four planes twelve tickets two lanyards four dog tags bracelets, all colors too many to name five boys loved by two of my girls three photos pro style and pro money six outfits well planned stolen laces one birthday of 13 colorful macaroons aplenty nerves, glowing…
the writer
the writer as simple as she is complicated as free as she is bound thoughts always mind or paper tip of pen crest of love lost… yet found-ed the writer as sure as she is unsteady bares her soul buries her gaze life in words creating pictures big love sur (photograph-like) henry, anais, jack my…
goldfinch dreams
I dream of you often lately. I have a strong sense that I am coming to understand you better. At least it feels that way in my head. I’m answering some of my own questions now as well –- viewing life through older and more mature lenses, it’s easier to see the human experience as…
a new year in july
Albeit late. Hanging desperately on the precipice of 51 and feeling like I don’t know any more or better than I did at 21. They say time makes you older and wiser, but presently, and for a while, if I’m being truly honest…I only feel older. The wiseness does not come like they tell you…
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Suzy Ham 