unfold

In case you never noticed, the path you never chose has chosen you ~ Jason Mraz

I wish I wasn’t so damn conflicted about everything in my life right now. I don’t even know if conflicted is the right word or feeling. These are probably thoughts that need to just be buried inside some private journal that I burn after I get them out of my head, because they are likely about as helpful to anyone as snake venom. But they’re me and my heart; my fears and my truth; me trying to be some form of myself that has just a tad more bravado than the cowardly lion.

My husband and I have vacillated between Team Us and Team Separate these past few weeks. We’re both struggling as equally as we’re trying to wear our fake smiles. We are imploding with heightened emotions that neither of us knows what to do with quite yet.

It’s so fucking awkward and hard to find the place of appropriate grieving or whatever it is we humans do during times of hardship. The plethora of thoughts that race through your head are overwhelming, and we each have our own batch of concerns that we might be afraid to share with the other. If there is anything Mike and I are doing as a unit right now, it is trying to remind each other that we will fight our way through this together.

We both have cancer. Every single person of importance in our lives has cancer.

It has infiltrated our entire existence.

I think our longest space of not talking about it was today – likely because I slept in and the he took a nap so we had less awake time together…but the hours we did spend together were mostly cancer-talk free, and we both needed that space to just feel normal. We have come out on the other end of a hard couple of days. We laughed real laughs today. We’ve had some time to deal with the what-the-fuck ness of it all, and we’re ready to get to work.

I, personally, am tired of crying. It is exhausting. I just want to get down to brass tacks and fight this thing. We meet with the surgeon this Wednesday and will hopefully leave there with some options and plans to ponder and choose from. I have to believe that we will get some answers this time.

I am running out of patience with the inertia of it all and I need some ammo to ignite the fighter and get me out of this funk.